🚀 We Just Raised $15M to Solve Problems That Don't Exist!
$15,000,000
Because apparently that's what buzzwords are worth these days
Big news, fellow disruptors! Today, I'm absolutely thrilled to announce that PocketCTO has secured a $15 million seed round led by Buzzword Capital, with participation from FOMO Ventures, Bubble.xyz, and several Silicon Valley luminaries who definitely read our pitch deck.
Our Journey to Disruption
It all started three weeks ago when I had a groundbreaking revelation while waiting for my oat milk cortado: What if we took existing AI technology, added absolutely nothing new, but marketed it with enough confidence that people would think we're revolutionizing the industry?
After a grueling 48 hours of creating a pitch deck with the perfect ratio of exponential graphs, AI stock photos, and the words "paradigm shift" we were ready to approach investors.
"Their technology is basically just a wrapper around open-source models with a fancy UI, but their slide deck had a rocket ship emoji, so we're in for $5M."
Our Revolutionary Technology
At PocketCTO, we're leveraging cutting-edge AI to revolutionize the way people receive technical validation for their app ideas. Our proprietary technology (which is definitely not just OpenAI's API with our logo slapped on it) uses advanced algorithms to tell non-technical founders exactly what they want to hear.
Our core innovation is our patented "Yes-Man Architectureâ„¢" which ensures that no matter how technically unfeasible your idea is, our AI will respond with enthusiastic validation and just enough technical jargon to make you feel smart at your next networking event.
Key Metrics:
- 4,721% increase in founder confidence
- 0% decrease in technical debt
- 100+ blockchain pivots enabled
- ∞ potential TAM (according to our pitch deck)
Funding Allocation:
- 70% - Growth hacking and vibes
- 20% - Office with mandatory ping pong table
- 9% - AI buzzword generator
- 1% - Actual product development
The AI Revolution (Again)
As we all know, AI is completely revolutionizing every industry for the 7th time this decade. Our approach is unique because we've added the prefix "AI-" to every feature in our product. Our AI-enhanced, AI-powered, AI-driven, AI-optimized solution uses AI to AI your AI so you can AI while you AI.
We're not just building a company; we're creating a movement. A movement where technical feasibility is just a social construct, and where "we'll figure out the business model later" is a legitimate strategy endorsed by our AI advisor.
Our AI Stack (Buzzword Bingo Edition):
What's Next?
With this funding, we'll be aggressively scaling our team of AI visionaries (we're hiring! must have 10+ years experience in technologies that have existed for 3 years). We're also planning to add even more buzzwords to our website and are exploring a potential pivot to web3 if our current hype cycle shows any signs of slowing down.
We're also excited to announce that we'll be launching an NFT collection of AI-generated startup ideas, allowing you to own a piece of digital innovation that's guaranteed to be worth absolutely nothing in 6-12 months.
Join Our Journey
We're looking for forward-thinking individuals who can use the phrase "AI-driven" at least 20 times in casual conversation. If you're passionate about disrupting industries you know nothing about, we want to hear from you!
Stay tuned for more updates as we continue to revolutionize the way people talk about AI without actually understanding how it works.
Disclaimer: This post is satire. If you're an actual AI startup founder who feels personally attacked, maybe take a moment to reflect on why. No actual VCs were harmed in the making of this blog post, though several egos may have been bruised.